its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
