whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
