new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
