nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize