Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
