I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
