it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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