I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
