Please, let me fuck your mom
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
