Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My vagina is officially offended.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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