I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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