well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
operation have a gay friend backfired
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
