I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
