What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dicks are not precious.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
