Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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