Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
