So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
