Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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