Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
