Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I did not marry a roomba.
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