Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
