Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
