Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
