we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
