we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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