She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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