I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
