Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
