I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
