I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
