It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
