Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize