Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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