I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
