Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Welp...herpes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
