i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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