Your face is a jimmy john
we have officially lost it.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
