The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
