It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
