Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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