at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
