How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
