This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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