We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
