she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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