His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize