Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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