apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
