The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
