i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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