Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
