I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize