I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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