Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
