I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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