he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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