Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
40s are totally the cure
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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