dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
