I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize