paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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