The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
