I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize