The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
