I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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