just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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