Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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