Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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