she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize