im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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