I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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